Living with selective mutism: what I wish I'd known sooner

When my daughter was diagnosed with selective mutism, I felt completely lost. She was confident and chatty at home but couldn't speak at school or to certain people. If you're supporting a child with selective mutism or severe anxiety, here are six things I wish someone had told me years ago.

1. Anxiety isn't as scary as it sounds

I know that might sound strange, but when I read about selective mutism and saw the words "anxiety disorder," I was absolutely devastated. And that was part of the problem. I was seeing her issues with anxiety as terrifying, and something to be really fearing. This meant that I was treading on eggshells all the time, trying to prevent her from feeling anxious, and this didn't help.

2. Pressure really doesn't help

Before I knew that she had selective mutism, I thought that telling her why she should talk to people would be helpful. I remember saying to her after she started school and wasn't speaking, "You really should talk to your teacher. She needs to know what you understand so she can teach you." Not only does this not work, it actually makes it harder for children with selective mutism to begin speaking, because the pressure creates more anxiety, not less.

3. Selective mutism isn't her personality

My daughter isn't shy. She isn't quiet. She isn't lacking in confidence. It's just that, in some situations, anxiety freezes her vocal chords, and the words can't come out. This doesn't define her as a person, and it has been really important to view her as a whole child, not one defined by her selective mutism.

4. Comfort comes first

At the beginning of my journey of helping her overcome selective mutism, I would be so focused on "getting her to speak" that I often forgot about this important principle: comfort precedes communication. That means that children with selective mutism will only speak when they feel comfortable, as the anxiety that was preventing them is gone. To begin with I would see playdates as a success only if she spoke, and as a failure if she didn't speak. But once I switched this to seeing the purpose of a playdate to have fun and be comfortable, they became much more effective as a tool for helping her.

5. Answering for her was making it worse

It felt like I was being a kind and supportive parent, not putting her in uncomfortable situations, and speaking for her so that she didn't have to. But actually, every time I answered for her, or didn't even give her the opportunity to speak, I was reinforcing in her brain that speaking is scary, and that she is not able to do it.

Her brain heard "I'm only safe because I didn't speak," and this prolonged the fear. So whilst it feels kind, it's not actually helpful.

6. She's going to be ok

This one took me a long time to believe, because overcoming selective mutism really is "slow and steady wins the race." But once I stopped focusing on day-to-day progress, and started thinking about progress over months, or even years, I realised just how far she has come.

My daughter was completely silent when she started school. She didn't speak to anyone, no children and no adults. On Friday she happily skipped up to her ballet teacher and asked her for a hairband. And the list of friends for her birthday party this year is too long!

Supporting your child with selective mutism

If your child is silent in some settings, I hope these insights help you feel less alone. Progress is possible, and you're not powerless in supporting them.

Book a free discovery call to discuss how parent-led support can help your child find their voice, or join my mailing list to receive practical strategies for supporting children with selective mutism and anxiety.

---

About the Author

Katrina Batey is a trained SPACE anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help anxious children build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.