Handling the "What if?" questions

"Uncertainty is a part of life, and learning to tolerate it is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children." – Dr. Tamar Chansky

When my daughter needs to go to the doctor, she always wants me to answer her "What if" and "What" questions "What if it hurts?" "What will the doctor do?" "Will they look in my throat?" Instinctively, I want to take away the uncertainty for her, and give her answers, like "Oh, don't worry, the doctor will just look in your ear. It won't hurt, I promise."

For anxious kids, uncertainty feels dangerous. Their brains are wired to search for threats, and when they can't predict what’s coming, they fill in the blanks—usually with the worst-case scenario. So to ease this, we often try to take away the uncertainty for them. But while these responses may offer short-term relief, they don’t build long-term resilience.

So how do we help children learn to tolerate uncertainty?

Here are a few strategies that made a big difference for us—and might help you, too:

1. Name It to Tame It

Let your child know that what they’re feeling has a name. You might say,

“It sounds like your brain is giving you a lot of ‘what ifs’ right now. That’s worry talking.” 

Just labelling the emotion can reduce its power.

2. Swap Reassurance for Curiosity

Instead of rushing to say “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” try responding with curiosity:

“Hmm, that’s a scary thought. What do you think might happen if that did come true?”“ How likely do you think that is?”“ And if that did happen, what could we do about it?”

This teaches kids to think through fears rather than avoid them.

3. Practise "What If…Then What?"

Help them go beyond the initial fear. For example:

“What if it hurts?” → “Then I might cry.” → “Then what?” → “You’ll hug me and I’ll be okay after a few minutes.”

This technique shows them that even if something unpleasant happens, they can handle it.

4. Use Real-Life Wins

After the appointment, I said, “You asked a lot of ‘what ifs’ earlier, and you were brave even though you were nervous. See how you handled it?” Celebrating small wins helps children build a “proof bank” that they can do hard things, even when they’re uncertain.

5. Model Discomfort Tolerance

Kids watch how we handle the unknown. Let them hear you say things like:

“I don’t know what will happen, but I’ll figure it out.”“I’m nervous too, and that’s okay.”

You're teaching them that uncertainty is normal—not something to fear.

Anxiety thrives on avoidance. But confidence? That grows in the small moments where we do the thing anyway—especially when it’s hard.

So the next time your child fires off a series of "what ifs," take a breath. Get curious. Walk through it together. Because every brave step they take in uncertainty is a step toward resilience.