My daughter can't wait to go to bed now....here's why.

Our daughter's sleep anxiety seemed to come literally out of nowhere. As a baby and a toddler she was an incredible sleeper, and needed very little support to help her sleep independently. Then, when she was 6, she suddenly became extremely anxious at bedtimes. This continued for many years, as we tried to help her overcome these worries.

Now, she skips off to bed happily and even says she's excited to go to bed! She is able to go to sleepovers now - we thought we were years away from this!

But this didn't happen overnight.

It's been a process.....and one that has been really challenging.

I used to dread bedtimes, feeling the creeping in of anxiety and frustration in my own body. At the end of a long day, all you want is your own evening to relax, and more than anything you want your child to be ok. But she wasn't....and this was hard to feel ok about.

We tried so many things to help her.

We tried getting her a worry monster to put her worries into. We tried giving her a Tonie with an audiobook read by me, specifically designed to help children get to sleep. We tried a weighted blanket. We tried turning the lights down low. And the thing is, some of them helped a bit. Some helped immediately and then wore off, some didn't help at all. It is absolutely worth trying things like this, because all children are different. I always say this to parents I'm supporting:

Even if something only helps a small amount, if you do lots of things that help a small amount, then that's going to add up to helping a lot.

How can you support your child with anxiety and sleep?

First of all, remember you're not alone. Many children struggle with anxiety at bedtime - it's one of the most common things I support families with. You're not failing.

If you haven't already, try the following ways to increase relaxation before bed:

• magnesium gummies/magnesium butter (to massage into the shoulders or feet)

• dedicated connection time before bed (just 5-10 minutes of undivided attention)

• a weighted blanket

• dedicated worry time before bedtime (take out the talking at bedtime part)

• talking less at bedtime, having the same consistent phrase you repeat to your child

• body relaxation exercises (breathing exercises, deep pressure hug etc.)

For a full framework to use consistently at bedtimes, use my CALMER bedtimes framework.

I won't make you promises that this will definitely fix everything, but they are a great starting point.

For some children, their anxiety at bedtime can fall away quite naturally using these techniques. But for some others, especially if they (and you) are stuck in patterns that have been going for years, more might be needed.

This is what it was like with our daughter. She would still call for us repeatedly and we would go to her, reassuring her that she would be able to sleep, sometimes sitting with her for 30-40 minutes at a time, desperately trying not to move a muscle while she fell asleep. 

This is what so many families I support are stuck doing - because it feels like it should help. But this is what we call the accommodation trap. The more we do these temporary “fixes” for anxiety, the more we are reinforcing the anxiety. 

Please note I am not telling you to stop doing anything to help your child. But the key is to work systematically to help your child to be more able to tolerate the feeling of anxiety and for us to be the ones that lead the way in this. 

This is exactly what my Anxiety Foundations Framework does - and trust me, it really works. I have used this approach with so many families to help their children be able to get to sleep faster, without their parents, and without anxiety. Now their children, like mine, are actually enjoying going to bed. And the parents get their evenings back.

It’s the approach that took my daughter from “needing us” for up to 3 hours a night, to skipping off to her first sleepover in just a couple of weeks. 

It’s the approach that took one family from going back to their daughter at least five times a night and having the daughter wake up most nights to a short, effective bedtime routine that helps their daughter get to sleep calmly so that she rarely wakes up in the night. And if she does wake up in the night, she is now able to manage this herself, as her mother gleefully informed me the other day:

“She woke in the night, went to the toilet and got back in her own bed without waking us! This has NEVER happened!”

If you are looking to help your child get more, and better quality, sleep, and to be able to get to sleep without you and without anxiety, book a free discovery call to discuss how we can work together to help your child with sleep, or join my mailing list to receive practical strategies for supporting children with anxiety.

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About the Author

Katrina Batey is a trained SPACE anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help anxious children build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.