Why accommodating anxiety makes it worse

When your child is anxious, every instinct tells you to help them feel better. But what if the very things you're doing to help are actually making the anxiety worse? Here's what I learned about anxiety accommodation the hard way.

I can't, she's an anxious child

My daughter was always a great sleeper, until a couple of years ago, around the age of five. Out of the blue she suddenly became extremely anxious at bedtime. We had no idea what was happening, why it was happening or what to do about it. So we did what probably all parents do: we did what she wanted.

We went up when she called, we stayed when she asked, we exhausted ourselves responding to each and every call. I remember a relative saying "just stop answering her" and responding:

"I can't, she's an anxious child."

Because the thought of her lying up there all alone, feeling anxious, felt absolutely unbearable to me. It was unfathomable that I would leave her to it.

What happens when you accommodate anxiety

But here's the truth of what happened: it got worse.

She needed more, and more, and more, from us.

Until the point where each bedtime was something we would dread, each bedtime would take hours, and this seemed to just become what we had to endure.

Until I learned about SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) and applied this.

From "I can't" to "I have to"

And now "I can't, she's an anxious child" has become "I have to, she's an anxious child."

Because what we were doing, going up repeatedly, was fuelling her anxiety. Our actions were confirming that her anxiety was correct, that she couldn't do it, that she needed us.

So we switched from helping her temporarily feel better each night to actually getting better. Was it easy? No. Did it work? Absolutely.

The results of reducing anxiety accommodation

My daughter has:

• Stopped weeping, sometimes for hours, every bedtime

• Stopped needing white noise and a particular blanket to feel safe

• Stopped calling out for us over and over again every night

• Stopped feeling "hot" (presumably this was actually anxiety)

• Started enjoying bedtime

• Started sleeping under a duvet again (she used to associate feeling hot with getting sick, something she used to feel anxious about)

• Started doing sleepovers without us

And we have got our daughter back, and our evenings back.

Learning to support without accommodating

If you're exhausting yourself trying to prevent your child from feeling anxious, you're not alone. But there is a better way to help them that actually reduces anxiety rather than feeding it.

Book a free call to learn about parent-led strategies that help anxious children build confidence, or join my newsletter for practical tips on supporting anxious children.

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About the Author

Katrina Batey is a trained SPACE anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help anxious children build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.