Prepare your child for going back to school (without preparing them to be anxious)
- Katrina Batey
- 4 hours ago
- 5 min read
How to support your anxious child with the return to school this September
The summer holidays are nearly over. September is already looming around the corner. We spent today trying to locate the blue handwriting pens that already seem to be sold out everywhere, and we've spent the last few days starting to desperately claw their bedtimes back towards a vaguely reasonable bedtime. (It's a work in progress....)
But when you have a child who has at least some of the time been anxious about school or separation, it's not about just preparing them practically for school - it's also about preparing them emotionally. But here's one thing I've learned from my own experience and from supporting other families:
Sometimes, in our attempts to prepare our children emotionally for school, we can accidentally prepare them to expect anxiety.
Sometimes I call this "preloading" anxiety: we often ask lots of questions about how they're feeling. It might sound surprising to say this, but my biggest pieces of advice would be:
Don't be afraid to talk about going back to school but
Ask open questions, rather than ones that are showing you assume it will be difficult for them
and
Keep the conversations short - anxiety tends to expand to fill up as much space as we give it
In a nutshell:
You don't need to convince your child that school will be fine. You can't promise they won't get lost or that they will make friends. You just need to communicate that feeling a bit nervous is normal, and that they are capable of handling whatever the day brings.
Our children are listening to what we expect
One of the things I've talked about throughout my Summer Confidence Challenge is the idea that we are a mirror for our children. Our children are constantly picking up messages about who we believe they are. Anxious children look to their parents to check their reactions more than other children - so how we present going back to school really matters.
If I consistently step in with solutions for difficult situations because I think my child won't manage, the message is: "You need me."
If I constantly reassure because I think they won't cope with uncertainty, the message might be: "You can't cope unless I make you feel safe."
And if I repeatedly ask whether they're worried about school, the message might be: "School is something I should be worried about."
None of this is intentional. In fact, it's often the exact opposite.
We're trying to help our children feel safe. We're trying to prevent anxiety. We're trying to make sure they don't have a difficult experience. But sometimes the most confidence-building thing we can do is stop trying to predict what our child will find difficult.
You don't need to know how it will go
This can be really difficult for us as parents. If your child has struggled with anxiety before, you may already have a picture in your head of what could happen. Maybe you've seen them cry at the school gates. Maybe they've struggled with separation. Maybe mornings have been incredibly difficult. Maybe they've come home exhausted from holding everything together (I have dealt with all of these things at various points - and I know just how hard they are).
It's completely understandable that those experiences affect how you approach the next school year. But your child's previous experience doesn't necessarily tell you exactly what will happen next time.
In fact, one of the things I've seen happen many times (including with my own child) is that a big change, like a new year, can actually be a really good 'circuit-breaker.' Think of it like this: last year your child got stuck in a pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving with anxiety. Everyday in that same situation (their old class, their old teacher, the same children etc) reinforced the way they felt.
Now, they are in a new situation, and have had a big break in between too. What can often happen is that the child hasn't learned and repeated an anxious response to these new features (new class, new teacher, even new school). So while for some children these new things can absolutely be a source of anxiety, for some it can actually work as a really helpful reset.
This is what happened with my daughter a few years ago. Following a vomiting bug she became very distressed to separate each morning. We put in place a variety of supports to help her go in: she went in early, with a friend, and did some colouring. Slowing over the months, it became a bit easier, but it was still a challenge. Then, in the transition week, she was going to be spending a few days with her new teacher. Inside I was worrying: will she cope with this big change? How on earth will I get her in the door when it's so hard with her normal class?
Leading up to the transition week, I worked really hard to just talk casually about what was going to happen. And my daughter said to me, "my new teacher won't know I go in early with a friend, so I just won't do that next." I nearly fell on the floor! But that broke the pattern that she had gotten used to - and she didn't look back! She skipped in that day, and every day since....
Now, we don't know yet if this will happen for your child, but we also don't know that it won't!
So now, instead of:
"I know this is going to be hard for you."
we can believe (and show our child that we believe):
"I don't know exactly how it will go. And neither do you."
FIND OUT MORE
This summer I released a free 6 week confidence challenge, designed to build your child's sense of independence, confidence and self-belief, so that they feel more able to deal with challenges and difficult feelings.
Week 6 talked all about going back to school - you can watch that here.
But week 6 is also the end point of the whole challenge - why not go back and take all the other building blocks that lead up to week 6, which will help you and your child?
For the next 2 weeks only, you can sign up to get all 6 weeks sent to your inbox in one email.
I hope you have had a wonderful summer with your families and that the return to school is easy. But if it isn't easy, use the tools you learned (or can learn) in the confidence challenge. You don't need to solve all your child's problems for them; you need to show them that they are capable to handle and manage them themselves.
And if you need some support, get in touch; I've love to chat.
About the Author
Katrina Batey is a trained SPACE anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help anxious children build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.
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