Why inner confidence is the key to helping your anxious child
Updated: Sep 3
Anxious children don't need less anxiety...
they need confidence in themselves.
When we think about helping an anxious child, our first instinct is often to help them feel less anxious.
We reassure. We solve problems. We remove the scary thing.
And of course, there are times when all of those things have their place.
But after working with hundreds of families, and from what I've learned from supporting my own daughter, I know that something else is way more important:
The goal isn't to raise children who never feel anxious. It's to raise children who believe they can handle feeling anxious.
That difference changes everything.
Here's a real example I just experienced. My 9 year old daughter had a gymnastics competition at the weekend, for the club she goes to every Tuesday after school. On Tuesdays, she is in the same group as her little sister, but for the competition they were put in two different rounds.
When I saw the email about the timings, my heart sank. I knew she would be upset about it. And she was. My initial reaction was to want to email the organisers and to try and get them to put her with her sister. But I didn't - and I'm so glad I didn't. She thought about it, and she realised that she would be ok. If I had fixed the situation for her, I would have deprived her of an opportunity to grow in confidence, and skills.
My initial response was based on my own anxious reaction, believing that she wouldn't be able to cope. Once I let that initial reaction pass, I made room for these beliefs instead:
Her first reaction of anxiety would pass, just like mine had, and give space for her confidence to come through once her nervous system processed the unexpected change.
She could find a way to solve the problem. While she was upset, I didn't offer her solutions; I just told her I understood how she felt, and sat with her through the discomfort.
She would be able to manage. And managing was the part that would benefit her the most.
Confidence isn't about being fearless
When we hear the word confidence, it's easy to picture the loud child who happily performs on stage, chats to anyone and throws themselves into every new activity.
But that's not the kind of confidence I'm talking about.
Real confidence is much quieter.
It's the voice inside that says:
"This feels hard... but I think I can cope. I am capable."
It's trusting yourself to manage uncomfortable emotions. It's believing that even if something doesn't go perfectly, you'll find a way through. It's knowing that anxiety doesn't have to be in charge.
Many anxious children lack this kind of confidence. Not because they aren't capable, but because anxiety has convinced them they aren't.
Confidence grows through experience, not reassurance
Confidence isn't something we can simply tell our children they have.
It has to be experienced.
It grows every time they:
Try something that feels uncomfortable.
Recover after making a mistake.
Solve a problem without someone fixing it.
Feel anxious... and discover they survive it.
Realise difficult feelings don't last forever.
Those moments may seem small.
But they're actually building the emotional muscles that help children overcome anxiety in the long term.
Because anxious children don't need lives without challenges.
They need the confidence to know they can face them.
If you’d like to find out more about how I support families, I’d love to chat.
About the Author
Katrina Batey is a trained S.P.A.C.E. anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help children with selective mutism and anxiety to overcome these challenges, and build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.
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