Regulating an anxious child isn't about calming them down...

How do I get my anxious child to calm down?

This is one of the most common questions parents I support ask me. And it's a question I used to ask myself about my own daughter all the time.

It's such an understandable question. When your child is overwhelmed with anxiety, melting down over something seemingly small, or spiralling into panic, every instinct in you wants to make it stop. You want to help them feel better. That's your brain responding to threat.

But over the years, I've found it helpful to think about regulation differently.

Because regulation is not the same as getting your child to calm down, and the difference is an important one in helping our children overcome anxiety.

Ask yourself a different question:

When a child is anxious or dysregulated, it's easy to slip into problem-solving mode. We start searching for the right words, the perfect reassurance, the strategy that will bring the emotion down as quickly as possible. But what if our role isn't to stop them feeling anxious? What if our role is to be with them while they feel anxious? That's a subtle shift, but an important one.

Instead of asking:

"How do I get this feeling to go away?"

we begin asking:

"How can I be with my child while they feel this way?"

The goal becomes connection rather than elimination.

We're not trying to erase the emotion. We're helping our child experience it safely. This is what helps our children really learn that the feeling of anxiety is one that they can experience, and move through safely, and be ok while having it.

If we rush in to get them out of it as fast as we can, what we are showing them is that anxiety is a thing to be feared. And when they fear anxiety, they go to any lengths they can to avoid having the feeling. This can look like not feeling able to go to school, or go upstairs by themselves, or talk to people, or be able to separate from you.

Regulation Is a Process, Not a Destination

When we think about regulation, we often picture a calm child:

A child who has stopped crying...a child who is no longer angry...a child who looks settled.

But regulation isn't simply the absence of big emotions. Real regulation is the process of bringing ourselves back towards calm again and again.

It's the ability to notice that we're activated, overwhelmed, anxious or frustrated and gradually find our way back. For children, this is a skill that develops over many years.

They don't learn it because we calm them down perfectly every time.

They learn it through repeated experiences of being supported while their nervous system settles. Each time they move from overwhelm towards calm, they are building that pathway.

When Things Feel Tricky, Increase Regulation Opportunities

When a child is going through a particularly difficult patch, whether that's heightened anxiety, increased emotional outbursts, school struggles, friendship challenges or simply a period of change, I encourage parents to think about regulation proactively.

Not just in the moment when things are hard, but throughout the day. Children I support (and my own children) benefit from more frequent opportunities to reconnect with calm when they're navigating a tricky season.

That might be:

• Movement

• Play

• Time outdoors

• Creative activities

• Connection with a parent

• Quiet sensory activities

• Moments of predictable routine

  
  

These aren't "fixes" for anxiety. They're opportunities for the nervous system to repeatedly experience safety and calm.

If you're looking for practical ideas, I've put together The Everyday Calm Toolkit, a collection of simple regulation activities that can be woven into everyday family life. The goal isn't to stop children ever feeling anxious. It's to create regular opportunities for their brains and bodies to practise returning to calm. You can grab your copy here.

Pay Attention to Your Child's Key Drivers

When one of my own children is having a harder time, I don't just think about regulation activities.

I also think about what helps them feel psychologically nourished.

One framework I find useful is the SCARF model, which suggests that five social needs have a significant impact on how safe and settled we feel:

• Status (doing well at things)

• Certainty (things working the way they should)

• Autonomy (being trusted to be in charge)

• Relatedness (connection)

• Fairness

  
  

Every child is different, but most children have one or two areas that seem particularly important to them.

For one of my children, status and relatedness are big drivers. So when she's going through a difficult patch, as she is right now, I make a conscious effort to increase opportunities for both. That might mean spending more one-to-one time together. It might mean playing a game she's genuinely skilled at. Not letting her win. Not artificially boosting her confidence. Just giving her opportunities to experience competence and connection.

For another child, certainty might be the thing they need most. For someone else, autonomy may be particularly important.

When we understand what helps our children feel secure and valued, we can be more intentional about topping those areas up during challenging times.

But you also need to remember this important fact:

This is perhaps the most important part:

Children will still have difficult moments.

Even when you understand regulation.

Even when you're creating regular opportunities for calm.

Even when you're meeting your child's psychological needs.

There will still be tricky mornings.

There will still be tears.

There will still be anxiety.

There will still be moments when everyone feels overwhelmed....

And that's okay.

Sometimes I think we've become so focused on preventing distress that we accidentally start treating every difficult emotion as a sign that something has gone wrong.

But being human means having off days. It means feeling anxious sometimes. It means getting frustrated, disappointed, overwhelmed and upset.

The goal isn't to eliminate those experiences. The goal is to help our children develop confidence that they can experience those feelings and come through them. That's what regulation is really about. Not creating a child who never struggles. But helping a child learn that difficult feelings are manageable, temporary and part of being human.

If you’d like to find out more about how I support families, I’d love to chat.

You can book that here.

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About the Author

Katrina Batey is a trained SPACE anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help anxious children build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.