Is your child more than just shy? Understanding selective mutism
- Katrina Batey
- Oct 16, 2025
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 14
Does your child chatter non-stop at home but fall completely silent at school? Do they freeze when relatives speak to them, looking desperately to you for help?
If this sounds familiar, your child might not be "very shy." They could have selective mutism, an anxiety condition that physically prevents children from speaking in certain situations.
As a parent, I found it so confusing to see how my daughter seemed like two different people. In the house she was lively, bubbly and never seemed to stop talking. But when she started primary school, she was completely silent, day after day. With friends and extended family members, she would completely freeze when they spoke to her, looking desperately at me to help her.
This is how our journey with selective mutism started. Fast forward to years later, and we are in a totally different place. Don't get me wrong, it's a journey, but it's one that we have come so far on.
What is selective mutism?
Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder where children can speak fluently in comfortable settings (usually at home) but cannot speak in specific situations where they feel anxious, such as:
At school or nursery
With extended family members
In public places like shops or restaurants
At social events or parties
With people they don't know well
It's not a choice.
Children with selective mutism want to speak but physically cannot when anxiety takes over. Their vocal cords literally freeze.
Selective mutism vs shyness: what's the difference?
Many people assume children with selective mutism are "just shy," but there are important differences:
How to spot shy children:
May take time to warm up but eventually speak
Can answer questions, even if quietly
Gradually become more comfortable over time
Show steady progress in new situations
How to identify children with selective mutism:
Remain completely silent for months or years in certain settings
Cannot speak even when they desperately want to
May use nodding, pointing, or whispering instead
Don't "grow out of it" without intervention
Often appear frozen or blank-faced when expected to speak
If your child has been silent at school for more than a month, it's worth considering whether selective mutism might be the cause.
Recognise these signs? Book a call to find out how I can help you and your child.
Signs your child might have selective mutism
Watch for these signs:
Talks freely at home but is silent at school or with certain people
Freezes or looks panicked when someone tries to engage them in conversation
Uses alternative communication like nodding, pointing, or whispering through you
Avoids eye contact in situations where they can't speak
Shows physical tension (stiff body, blank expression) when anxious
Consistent pattern of silence in specific settings lasting months
The earlier selective mutism is identified and treated, the better the outcomes for children.
Having a child with selective mutism has changed me...
I'm on a mission to spread the word that children who struggle to talk in some situations might not be "very shy." They might have selective mutism, an anxiety condition that can be overcome with the right support.
The good news? Selective mutism can absolutely be overcome.
With parent-led strategies and the right approach, children with selective mutism can find their voice and build confidence in all settings.
In my 3-month framework, you'll learn:
What selective mutism really is (and what it isn't)
What doesn't help - even though it might seem like it should
Evidence-based strategies parents can use at home
This is perfect for:
Parents whose child doesn't speak at school or will only speak to children and not adults
Families concerned about a child's silence in certain settings
Anyone who suspects their child might have selective mutism
Parents who've been told "they'll grow out of it" but haven't seen progress
Parents who are ready to work hard and help their child.
What parents say about my selective mutism support
"After meeting Katrina, I instantly felt uplifted and like we had hope that things could improve. We learned so much about how changing our behaviour as parents could positively impact our daughter."
"“I can’t believe she’s talking to strangers! Who is this child?! I could not believe it. Her confidence has GROWN. I never imagined she would start talking like this to people. I know for some parents this is nothing because their kids do this all the time but I know you will appreciate and understand the huge change. So thank you, because everything you’ve been teaching me, I make sure I do. And I think one of the things that has helped me the most is knowing that you understood how I felt - that was a gamechanger.”
"The impact my coaching sessions with Katrina have on myself and my daughter, who has selective mutism, has been massive. There's been a clear link between the sessions and my daughter's progress with her confidence (and mine!)."
Author Bio
Katrina Batey is a trained SPACE anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help children with selective mutism and anxiety build confidence and find their voice. Learn more about Katrina.
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