"Use your voice!" - why pressure makes speaking harder for children with selective mutism.
Updated: Sep 3
I wish I had known this years ago. It would have changed so much about how we supported our daughter.
Our daughter was silent at school and froze when anyone spoke to her.
When she started school, she couldn’t speak to anyone. Not the children. Not the teachers.
Outside of school, it was the same. Certain grandparents, family friends, aunts and uncles - no words would come. Instead, when they spoke to her, she would freeze, like a deer caught in headlines, and look to me, desperate to be rescued.
We’ve now spent five years supporting her through selective mutism… and she has come so far.
But if I’m really honest?
We made lots of mistakes along the way.
We said things - well-meaning things - that actually reinforced her anxiety without us realising it.
And the biggest one?
We pushed our daughter with selective mutism her to use her voice.
Of course we did. We were trying to help. We wanted to encourage her. We wanted her to know we believed in her.
So we said things like:
“Your teacher wants to hear your voice.”
“You can talk at school.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
“Why aren’t you answering Grandad?”
It all came from love.
But here’s what I wish I’d understood sooner - and it's something that applies to all childhood anxiety:
Pushing children to “just do the scary thing” often backfires.
“But don’t children with selective mutism need to speak so that they can overcome the fear?”
Yes… and this is where it gets confusing.
Because it’s true: Children do need to gradually face the things that make them anxious in order to overcome their fears, and this includes speaking for children with selective mutism. A child who is scared of speaking will, over time, need to speak more - not less.
But the way we help them do that matters more than we realise.
Why pressure doesn’t help selective mutism (and can make things worse)
When a child is anxious, their nervous system is already on high alert.
So when we add pressure - even gentle, encouraging pressure - it can tip them over the edge.
Here’s what’s really happening underneath:
1. It can feel invalidating.
Even if we don’t mean it that way, phrases like “There’s nothing to be scared of” can land as: “Your feelings aren’t right.”
But to your child, the fear feels very real (even though the danger isn't).
2. It increases the pressure.
An anxious child isn’t just dealing with the fear anymore - they’re also dealing with the pressure to perform.
That extra layer of stress can actually make it harder for them to do the very thing we’re asking.
3. It can lead to shame.
If they can’t do it (and often, they genuinely can’t in that moment), they may start to think:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I do this when everyone expects me to?”
4. It triggers resistance or shutdown.
What looks like refusal or defiance is often a child who is overwhelmed.
Their system goes into protection mode - fight, flight, or freeze.
And this doesn’t just apply to speaking.
You’ll see the same pattern if your child:
won’t go upstairs alone
struggles to sleep without you
struggles to go to clubs or playdates without you
clings in new environments For a child who is anxious about something, telling them to “just do it” doesn't help.
So how do you help a child with selective mutism?
First, if you’re recognising yourself in this - please hear this:
You haven’t done anything wrong.
Pressure comes from a place of love, encouragement, and belief in your child. Now we just shift how we support them.
Instead of pushing, we start creating opportunities.
Opportunities that feel:
safe
low-pressure
manageable
optional
Because confidence doesn’t come from being told to be brave.
It comes from experiencing “I can do this”… one small step at a time.
A gentle shift that makes a big difference
Instead of: “Go on, say hello.”
It becomes:
“I wonder if we will say hello or merry Christmas?"
or
"I wonder if you'd like to wave hello or say hello."
The key is to provide opportunities for speech, rather than expectations of speech.
If your child struggles to speak in certain situations…
I know firsthand how bewildering and upsetting this journey can be. You are not alone. And if you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to move things forward…
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
I offer a free discovery call where we can talk through what’s going on for your child, and map out some gentle, practical next steps.
Change doesn’t come from pushing harder.
It comes from understanding your child’s anxiety - and knowing how to support them through it, one small step at a time.
About the Author
Katrina Batey is a trained S.P.A.C.E. anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help children with selective mutism and anxiety to overcome these challenges, and build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.
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