The truth about mum blame and childhood anxiety

If you've ever been told "your child is anxious because you're anxious," you'll know how crushing that feels. Let's talk about why mum blame needs to stop and what's really happening when parents are struggling.

Everyone blames the mum for an anxious child.

This will be a bit of a ranty post (sorry, not sorry.)

I cannot tell you how many times I have had the following conversations:

Conversations with mums, telling me that the child's school isn't seeing what they're seeing, making the mum feel like she's going crazy.

And conversations with people who know the family saying things like "the problem isn't really that the child is anxious. The problem is that mum is anxious", as if the mum has created or caused the anxiety, when truthfully the likelihood is that mum is anxious because her child is anxious, not the other way round.

(Yes, there is a genetic link, and mothers with anxiety are statistically more likely to have children with anxiety, but that is only one of multiple factors.)

Why mums get blamed

It is hard enough being a mum, with us second-guessing ourselves at every turn. But when your child has anxiety it can inevitably feel like we have somehow "failed" at parenting.

And I have genuinely never heard anyone say "the problem is that dad is anxious."

What does this show us?

Actually mums are generally speaking more likely to be highly attuned to how their child is feeling, so it is more likely that mums are more emotionally affected by their child's anxiety.

The history of mother blame

So, enough. Enough of this mum-bashing.

In mental health themes, there is historically a narrative that mothers are somehow to blame for conditions (previously this was schizophrenia and autism which were both blamed on the mothers. Fortunately that attitude is no longer around).

What's really happening

When you see an anxious child with a mother who is struggling, they are struggling to know how to help their child, and desperately worried about their child's future.

And they are most likely struggling with their own feelings of inadequacy, and certainly don't need any more piled on top.

If you're a mum who's been made to feel responsible for your child's anxiety, please know: you didn't cause this, but you can help them overcome it.

Looking for support without shame? Book a free call to talk about where you are right now and how I can support you.

Rant over.

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About the Author

Katrina Batey is a trained S.P.A.C.E. anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help children with selective mutism and anxiety to overcome these challenges, and build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.