Is your child more than just shy? Understanding selective mutism
Updated: Oct 13
Does your child chatter non-stop at home but stay completely silent at school? Do they freeze when relatives speak to them, looking desperately to you for help?
If this sounds familiar, your child might not be "very shy." They could have selective mutism, an anxiety condition that physically prevents children from speaking in certain situations.
As a parent, I found it so confusing to see how my daughter seemed like two different people. In the house she was lively, bubbly and never seemed to stop talking. But when she started primary school, she was completely silent, day after day. With friends and extended family members, she would completely freeze when they spoke to her, looking desperately at me to help her.
This is how our journey with selective mutism started. Fast forward to years later, and we are in a totally different place. Don't get me wrong, it's a journey, but it's one that we have come so far on.
What is selective mutism?
Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder where children can speak fluently and easily in comfortable settings (usually at home) but cannot speak in specific situations where they feel anxious, such as:
At school or nursery
With extended family members
In public places like shops or restaurants
At social events or parties
With people they don't know well
Selective mutism is not a choice.
Children with selective mutism want to speak but physically cannot when anxiety takes over. Their vocal cords tighten due to the anxiety - and the words can't come out. I spoke recently to an adult who has overcome selective mutism. This is what they described (words shared with permission): "Selective mutism for me was a physical experience - there were so many times I wanted to speak and I had the words in my mouth but they just wouldn’t come out. It made my mouth and lips and jaw hurt because my body was clasping them so much it was painful! It's never intentionally not speaking to someone; it was for me extreme stress and anxiety. Sometimes I wanted to speak so badly to someone and the words just wouldn’t come out, with no reason at all, to the point I'd just cry about it out of frustration."
Selective mutism vs shyness: what's the difference?
Many people assume children with selective mutism are "just shy," but there are important differences:
How to spot shy children:
May take time to warm up but eventually speak
Can answer questions, even if quietly
Gradually become more comfortable over time
Show steady progress in new situations
How to identify children with selective mutism:
Remain completely silent for months or even years in certain settings
Cannot speak even when they desperately want to
May use nodding, pointing, or whispering instead
May not "grow out of it" without intervention
Often appear frozen or blank-faced when expected to speak
Show a different pattern of how they speak when comfortable versus when not comfortable
If your child has been silent at school for more than a month, it's worth considering whether selective mutism might be the cause.
The good news? Selective mutism can absolutely be overcome.
As a mum of a child with selective mutism, I want to tell you this: selective mutism is a condition that your child can overcome. But the earlier selective mutism is identified and treated, the better the outcomes for children. This is why I'm on a mission to spread the word that children who struggle to talk in some situations might not just be "very shy." They might have selective mutism, an anxiety condition that can be overcome with the right support. Waiting for your child to "grow out of it" may not be the best approach, because some children with selective mutism don't - and it becomes harder, rather than easier, to break this pattern.
Does this sound like your child?
I have 2 free workshops coming up that you can attend to find out more about how to support your child:
Workshop 1: Is It Just Shyness? Understanding Selective Mutism and What Actually Helps This workshop is for you if you don't yet know why your child isn't speaking in some situations, or you're new to understanding selective mutism, and you want to know how to help them.
Date and time: Monday 23rd November, 8pm
Link to register: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/_7mR3xqCTIyd8wp7yBUxBg
Workshop 2: Beyond Speech: Understanding the Anxious Child Behind Selective Mutism
This workshop is for you if you want to explore how to support your child with selective mutism more broadly with other anxiety challenges
Date and time: Friday 27th November, 12pm
Link to register: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/P26SvaNDSaWlc2l4zznyfQ
Looking for individual support? Book a free call to talk about where you are right now and how I can support you.
What parents say about my selective mutism support
"After meeting Katrina, I instantly felt uplifted and like we had hope that things could improve. We learned so much about how changing our behaviour as parents could positively impact our daughter."
"“I can’t believe she’s talking to strangers! Who is this child?! I could not believe it. Her confidence has GROWN. I never imagined she would start talking like this to people. I know for some parents this is nothing because their kids do this all the time but I know you will appreciate and understand the huge change. So thank you, because everything you’ve been teaching me, I make sure I do. And I think one of the things that has helped me the most is knowing that you understood how I felt - that was a gamechanger.”
"The impact my coaching sessions with Katrina have on myself and my daughter, who has selective mutism, has been massive. There's been a clear link between the sessions and my daughter's progress with her confidence (and mine!)."
About the author
Katrina Batey is a trained S.P.A.C.E. anxiety treatment provider, mental health coach, and parent to a daughter who had selective mutism and other anxiety challenges. She supports families across the UK and internationally to help children with selective mutism and anxiety to overcome these challenges, and build confidence and resilience. Learn more about Katrina.
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